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The Toffee Crisp Vampire: Da Streetz
Info This a sad, pathetic attempt by some random loser to write a story. It chronicles the adventures of Mary Perfekt Sue, who uncovers an atrociously diabolical subterfuge while attempting to solve some murders. The Story January 29th Hi. My name is Mary Perfekt Sue. I'm writing this in my new diary that my best friend, Bob Jones, bought me. I don't know why I'm bothering to write this down, seeing that I already know all of this, and I'm the only person who's ever going to look in here, but, hey, you never know when you could get some plot-convenient amnesia. I'm an aspiring reporter, and I've just recently moved here to Crumpet City, UK. There's been reports of some monster attacking the locals, and I intend to get to the bottom of this! January 30th I just returned from interviewing some of the few surviving victims. The reports are all the same; a large, fanged creature, that appeared to glisten in the moonlight. It had a strange, alluring scent, and made a strange crinkling sound as it had stalked towards them. When it had been provoked, giant wings had unfurled from it's back, it shot some type of light at it's attacker, and took off into the sky. It sounds utterly ridiculous, but they had all recounted their tale to me with utmost conviction. I'm going to see if I can ﬁnd some clues at the crime scenes that the po-pos may not have noticed. January 31st I visited the crime scenes, and, unfortunately, I didn't ﬁnd anything. As I was about to leave, someone called me over. It was a relatively young man, who couldn't have been any older than 18. He told me his name was Bootman Bill, and he brought me into his dodgy secondhand game store. We had some ﬁsh and chips as he told me the history of this city. Apparently, long ago, there had been a creature that had terrorized the area, in a very similar manner to whatever was murdering people now; a strange ray of light that shatters it's target into an explosion of toffee. Except, now, it appeared to only be using it's lasers to distract it's prey, before viciously mauling it to death. Bootman Bill leaned in close to me, and whispered it's name to me, as though he was frightened of something. He called it… the Toffee Crisp Vampire. Bootman Bill then looked around frantically, nervously, as though he had done something wrong. I left soon afterwards, confused, yet also feeling a sense of dread settle into my soul. I don't know why; it's name wasn't particularly frightening. It's description was completely absurd, it being literally a giant bar of toffee, wrapped in a red and gold foil, and having large, leathery wings and a giant fanged mouth. Then I thought about the description given by all of the witnesses. Could it… be real? January 32nd Bob came to the UK to see me over the weekend. He's now creepily leering over me while I write this. There we go, now he's gone. On to today's events: After meeting up with him, Bob accompanied me to the local supermarket. Toffee is his favorite candy, and when he wondered out loud why there wasn't any on the stands, everyone stopped and looked at him with wide, frightened eyes. Time seemed to stop for a moment, before I grabbed our things and pulled Bob out of the store with me. When we got back to my apartment, Bob asked me what all that was about. I told him about the legend of the Toffee Crisp Vampire, and he proceeded to burst out into hysterical laughter. After he had calmed down, and realized that these people were serious, he went out to investigate the beast that was apparently back, and in full force. Bob is an investigator back in our hometown of PaytritGuns, in America. I guess he can't resist being able to solve something that isn't another "ﬁnd out where my wife is at all times" case. A couple hours later, he came back. He didn't say a word to me, as he usually does when he's invested in a case. We've just been lounging around since then. I'm going to go to sleep, and see if I can ﬁnd a lead tomorrow. February 4th Wow, I haven't written anything in a while. Since my last entry, two more people have been murdered. One was a waiter, while the other was a store clerk. They were found in the same condition as the other victims. Bob and I have attempted to ﬁnd some kind of connection between them, but to no avail. The po-po's were of no help, and mainly just lounged around, and acted like they knew what they're doing. Bob had to leave, and promised that he would stop by again as soon as he could. I decided to go see what Bootman Bill was up to, as he was the only person I really knew around this place. He was with one of his friends, named John Doe. When I questioned him about the Toffee Crisp Vampire again, John proved to be much more vocal about the subject. He told me about a rumor that the creature was hiding inside the old, condemned clock tower on the outskirts of the city, before Bootman Bill threw him out the window of his tiny, rundown shack. I decided to take my leave, and headed back to my apartment. It must've been my imagination, but I had almost felt like something was… watching me. February 7 I had a nightmare. I was running through a terrifying version of Chuck E Cheese, trying to get away from something. Manly screams echoed throughout the halls, and there was a magenta screeching sound in my left eye. For some reason, I was wearing a bright grey and black and dark red and black and purple and black lacy gown with a giant picture of Charlie Chaplin on it (which I was ﬁne with cuz it was so cool). Then, a large, rectangular shape emerged from a large tent. I couldn't make out it's exact features, as I had started crying tears of blood. Then, I ate a bowl of Count Chocula cereal, with blood instead of milk. All of a sudden, some guy called Draco rolled up in his car. He was super hot, so I got in with him, and he took me to a concert. We were having fun, until the Toffee Crisp Vampire came back, and turned everyone into toffee crisp with his toffee crisp lasers! Then I woke up, drenched in sweat. It was super spoopy. February 14th It's Valentine's Day today. Bob wasn't able to make his ﬂight in time, so I've been spending the holiday alone. Well, except for the usual letters from my usual stalkers. Out of boredom, I decided to count them all for once, instead of just throwing them in the waste bin. There were exactly 19,343,980 written announcements of unrequited love towards my fabulous self. Today was really, really boring. I hope tomorrow will be more exciting. February 17th Bob came over, and told me that someone else has been murdered. He didn't give me a belated gift for Valentine's Day, which ruined my life, and turned everything terrible. I'm soooo tortured. Pay attention to me. Wah. We ﬁrst went over to the victim's upstairs neighbors, who were of no use, as they were all lethargic, obnoxious, incompetent imbeciles. They unsuccessfully attempted to hit on me, and I had Bob throw them out the window. They landed on top of the po- pos, who promptly shot them, claiming that they were resisting arrest, and obstructing justice. We then discovered that all the victims did in fact have something in common; they were all members of a new cult that worshipped some deity called X. They were called, lazily enough, the Cult of X, and Bob and I went to their headquarters, all the way in Britain City, a part of Axl Society. Their headquarters was just an old, run-down Chuck E Cheese. The cult told us about X; he was capable of changing into many different creatures, including rapidly moving blue hedgehogs. Suddenly, I had an idea, the ﬁrst one I've had in eight years. I asked them what X's true form is. They looked extremely scared, and immediately kicked us out. Bob and I resolved to break into their headquarters the next time he visited. February 43rd I'm being stalked. I'm sure of it now. I keep seeing creepy people in black, red, and blue oversized cloaks. They look pretty stupid, as they frequently trip over them as they try to hide from my gaze, but it's spoopy none the less. Bob wrote to me that he would be able to come over on March 7th, and that he was bringing some friends to take down the cult with us. I laughed, knowing Bob didn't have any friends, so he must have paid some people to come help us, as he usually does. March 8th Oh God… It's horrible… Inconceivable… I dropped my Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket on the ﬂoor… WHY!? Oh, and Bob died, too. I suppose I should start from the beginning: Bob had brought over some giant, muscly teenager called the Toppler. No one beats up the Toppler. His real name was Johnny Topples, and he got his nickname by being able to literally topple mountains with his rippled biceps. With him, came a kid named Thomas, and his girlfriend, Valerie, Valerie Hudson. Thomas had a rare condition known as Massive Mind Loss, were, when he feels sympathy or compassion for others, he gains super strength and loses his humanity, usually ending up murdering everyone around him. Valerie, Valerie Hudson, was a former spy, and was capable of… something. I really don't know, or particularly care. Together, we went back to Britain City, and snuck into the old Chuck E Cheese. After crawling through vents for 6 hours, we came out inside the gauntlet of depravity once known as a crappy children's restaurant. There was a large door with a sign that read "Totally Not Evil Illegal Genetic Experiments." Bob used his detective skills, and, after twenty minutes, determined that the sign was, in fact, lying to us! We went inside. It was horrifying. There was a gigantic, hyper-realistic Squidward head, a purple black cat with a witch's hat, and a box titled "Haunted Games" being loaded onto a mail truck. The Squidward head had a stamp on it that read "Mount Super, UK." The Toppler charged into the group of scientists, who were lounging around playing Mortal Kombat 2. The mail truck containing the Squidward head took off while the Toppler fought the scientists punchily. Bob, Thomas, Valerie, Valerie Hudson, and me ran upstairs, and came across a terrifying sight. A magic portal was being conjured up by the Cult of X, using a game disk. Through the disk, came out… him. The monster responsible for all these delicious murders. The Toffee Crisp Vampire. It looked into my black, purple and red-tipped eyes. It all made sense now. The murders were because the foil-wrapped creature required sacriﬁces in order to come into this world. It was going to punish humanity for it's toffee-devouring ways, and start a new civilization, through a young girl named Axl. Axl was the name of the society that this Chuck E Cheese was built on. The society was created by a girl named Axl. I must say, it was truly an ingenious plan. Axl Society would indoctrinate it's inhabitants in it's schools to accept the upcoming Toffee- Crisp-mageddon. The Toffee Crisp Vampire said in a voice that sounded like glass scraping on concrete, that it was "not your time," and then wiped the minds of Thomas and Valerie, Valerie Hudson, so they wouldn't remember this. The majestic demon then teleported them away to a school. The Toffee Crisp Vampire then glared at Bob, and shot him with his toffee lasers. Shattering his legs, Bob fell to the ground. He then called me over to him, while the Toffee Crisp Vampire was absorbing the toffee into itself. He then gave me a belated Valentine's Day gift, a Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket. Bob then asked me to marry him, but I was thinking of more important things, like how delicious Hot Pockets were. The Toffee Criso Vampire then shot it's toffee lasers at Bob again, killing him and startling me, causing my Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket to fall to the ﬂoor. I wailed in agony over the loss of my delicious snack. The Toffee Crisp Vampire then teleported me out of the Chuck E Cheese. A moment later, the Toppler joined me outside, and immediately ran to ﬁnd Thomas, as he needed to get revenge on Thomas for beating him up a year ago. I trudged back to my apartment, and silently wept former the loss of the food dearest to my heart. Oh, and my only true friend, too, I guess. I have come to a conclusion; I will avenge my Pepperoni Pizza Pocket by ﬁnding some way to kill the Toffee Crisp Vampire. I must leave now; my journey to ﬁnd something to kill this monster begins! 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